the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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