take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
