I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
