Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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