I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
