the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
