I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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