shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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