so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
