And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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