im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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