i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I said "one day" and that day is not today
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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