we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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