I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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