chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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