I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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