I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
