I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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