I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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