A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
