oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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