I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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