my mouth tastes like poor choices
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm at about main and main street
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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