I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
