I just threw up on my dentist
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
