Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
