I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize