she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
