I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
