he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize