Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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