literally had 100 drinks last night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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