the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize