Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
