Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
where are my eyebrows?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
