The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
