If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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