Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
