Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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