My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
