The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
