Swine flu. Run for my life!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
