i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
