paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize