Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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