also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
