I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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