meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
