im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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