I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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