The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
