Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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