i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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