Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
