The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You don't make any sense
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