i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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