You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize