Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
