he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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