matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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