Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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