the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
