dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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