God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
