I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
