I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
