Having a random hookup so left but love u
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
